A deer story (joke)

[matclone]

I do not in any way vouch for its authenticity--mc
________________________________________
Subject: To All You Deer Hunters

This is a letter from someone who farms, writes well and actually tried this:

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on
corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and feast on it. The first step in
this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at
my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there
(a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while
I am in the back of the truck not four feet away), it should not be
difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head to calm it
down then hog tie it and bring it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not
having any of it. After about twenty minutes, my deer showed up---three of
them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the
feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I
wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good
hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly
concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took
a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an
education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just
stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to
action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a
deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight
range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no
chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling
it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and
started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer
on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The
only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief ten minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me
off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes
to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the
big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no
love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and
I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly
arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks
as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of
responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have
to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my
truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a
squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could
get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would
bite somebody, so I was very surprised when .... I reached up there to grab
that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you,
it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let
go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite
HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw
back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it
was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you
may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy
tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and
pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their
back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves
are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal
--like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away
easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an
aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back
down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not
work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I
screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always
been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that
there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer
may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong
and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right
in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they
do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying
there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I
know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort
of even the odds.

All these events are true so help me God. An Educated Rancher!!!

Jerry Kimball

[PVC]

You mean to say that a non-domesticated animal will fight for its life if you try to kill it? What possible evolutionary benefit could there be to such a violent reaction? I smell bullshit. Deer are timid little creatures that wouldn't hurt a fly even when provoked. This guy is a liar.

[crc]

You mean to say that a domestic human will pick apart a post that's obviously a joke? What possible social benefit could there be to such a violent reaction?

[JCavin]

For real, dude. It's a joke and is just meant to be entertaining.

It is written in the same fashion as the one about getting a colonoscopy and the guy who bought the tazer. Might even be the same author.

[PVC]

sar⋅casm  [sahr-kaz-uhm]
–noun
1. harsh or bitter derision or irony.
2. a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark: a review full of sarcasms.

Jeez.

[theuofh]

...This is a Darwin award honorable mention:

(Texas) Every time I read the story of the man who roped a deer, I am reminded of my father's friend. He was out in one of the many hunting leases in southeast Texas, hunting in his favorite spot, a climbing stand in an open creek bottom. One morning he heard a deer blow at his back but he didn't risk turning to look for fear of scaring the animal. He waited until the large buck sauntered just under the tree he was in.

Apparently he must not have had time to carefully determine his next course of action. Rather than lean down and shoot the animal in the head, he opted to attack with a large hunting knife that is commonly used for blood-letting and skinning. Positioning himself in a cat-like crouch, he pounced on the deer, intending to close the deal on what would have been an awesome deer-slaying story.

But when he landed the trajectory of the knife was slightly askew. He swung the knife under its throat and into his own opposing thigh. Since he landed primarily on the animal's neck it had no choice but to throw its large rack back into the man's face... The hunter lost consciousness following the head butt, so the following is clear speculation based on the blood trail and shards of clothing.

He appeared to have been dragged about 40 yards across the forest floor, his flannel jacket being the main reason for staying on the buck after the 8 second buzzer. Four hours later, his worried wife came to check on him, and found him in an unconscious state with blood and puncture wounds all about his body.

[BCS]

That really would have been a legendary deer slaying though.