Saw a bit on another forum where someone asked about "Telos Fitness Center". I'd never heard of it, but it was in the area. So, being the curious sort, I decided to check it out online. Ya never know, right?
And...uh, get a load of this:
Looking at the pictures they have there, I'm gonna take a wild guess that these "goal centered exercises and modalities" aren't dominated by things like squats, presses and deadlifts. Could be wrong, tho'. So, wondering WTF "Ortho-Kinetics" is, well...Based directly from the information discovered through our comprehensive assessment process, your Ortho-Kinetics® Trainer will select specific corrective exercise movements to help realign posture, correct muscular imbalances and improve movement ability. These performance based exercises can then be modified, sequenced and combined with more goal centered exercises and modalities to create weekly routines and long term programs that will meet your needs, accomplish your objectives and accommodate your busy schedules.
Uh, yeah. And it can all be yours for (wait for it) the low low LOW price of $115/month, AND a $450 membership fee up front. But WAIT, there's MORE! A Performance PLUS membership is ONLY $285/month, and it comes with all the Pilates and Yoga you could EVER have! Plus Massage Credit! And Laundry Service! And TWO FREE MEALS PER MONTH FROM THEIR BAR AND GRILL!!!"utilizes an integrated triad system of unique biomechanical and neuromuscular assessments, specialized soft tissue treatments, and proprietary exercise training."
Yes, their Bar and Grill. I swear to god I'm not making this up. Because after a hard workout, who doesn't crave Sesame Noodles and Chicken in Mushroom Broth?
Crap, for $735 I can buy a basic power rack, a Texas Power Bar, and 300 lbs of iron olympic weights off of Craigslist and be good to go. To afford that membership I'd have to start selling my "full-body evaluation system that works through tactile biofeeback response to give one a constant, highly accurate assessment of your current fitness level"! (This system is likely known to most of you under the highly technical name of "clothes").
And...oh dear god...
Yeah, you wanna "activate weak muscles"? Hmm, you could try, I dunno, LIFTING WEIGHTS! I've heard it works.In recent years, a revolutionary new process has evolved for identifying and correcting muscular imbalances in the body known as Muscle Activation Techniques (M.A.T.)....MAT looks at muscle tightness as a form of protection in the body. Weak or inhibited muscles can create the need for other muscles to tighten up in order to help stabilize the joints. MAT gets to the root of pain or injury by addressing muscle weakness rather than muscle tightness.
FWIW, I'm reading reviews to see if they do any, ya know, weight training. Apparently they also have a salon, and some tanning something or another, and a hella-good group of fresh faced young women to greet you when you walk through the door. And more Pilates and a really nice locker room and...ah, strength training! Yes, do some, ya know, mixed in with your cardio and power-pilates-yoga-mat-sculpt-fusion. I did find something referencing squats buried in there, although it was right next to a recommendation for bicep curls and right after some sort of HIIT cardio thing.
Somebody shoot me. Please.