Don't know whether to laugh or cry

[synchronicity]

Saw a bit on another forum where someone asked about "Telos Fitness Center". I'd never heard of it, but it was in the area. So, being the curious sort, I decided to check it out online. Ya never know, right?

And...uh, get a load of this:

http://www.telosfitnesscenter.com/pe...t-doesnt-hurt/

Based directly from the information discovered through our comprehensive assessment process, your Ortho-Kinetics® Trainer will select specific corrective exercise movements to help realign posture, correct muscular imbalances and improve movement ability. These performance based exercises can then be modified, sequenced and combined with more goal centered exercises and modalities to create weekly routines and long term programs that will meet your needs, accomplish your objectives and accommodate your busy schedules.

Looking at the pictures they have there, I'm gonna take a wild guess that these "goal centered exercises and modalities" aren't dominated by things like squats, presses and deadlifts. Could be wrong, tho'. So, wondering WTF "Ortho-Kinetics" is, well...

"utilizes an integrated triad system of unique biomechanical and neuromuscular assessments, specialized soft tissue treatments, and proprietary exercise training."

Uh, yeah. And it can all be yours for (wait for it) the low low LOW price of $115/month, AND a $450 membership fee up front. But WAIT, there's MORE! A Performance PLUS membership is ONLY $285/month, and it comes with all the Pilates and Yoga you could EVER have! Plus Massage Credit! And Laundry Service! And TWO FREE MEALS PER MONTH FROM THEIR BAR AND GRILL!!!

Yes, their Bar and Grill. I swear to god I'm not making this up. Because after a hard workout, who doesn't crave Sesame Noodles and Chicken in Mushroom Broth?

Crap, for $735 I can buy a basic power rack, a Texas Power Bar, and 300 lbs of iron olympic weights off of Craigslist and be good to go. To afford that membership I'd have to start selling my "full-body evaluation system that works through tactile biofeeback response to give one a constant, highly accurate assessment of your current fitness level"! (This system is likely known to most of you under the highly technical name of "clothes").

And...oh dear god...
http://www.telosfitnesscenter.com/th...on-techniques/

In recent years, a revolutionary new process has evolved for identifying and correcting muscular imbalances in the body known as Muscle Activation Techniques (M.A.T.)....MAT looks at muscle tightness as a form of protection in the body. Weak or inhibited muscles can create the need for other muscles to tighten up in order to help stabilize the joints. MAT gets to the root of pain or injury by addressing muscle weakness rather than muscle tightness.

Yeah, you wanna "activate weak muscles"? Hmm, you could try, I dunno, LIFTING WEIGHTS! I've heard it works.

FWIW, I'm reading reviews to see if they do any, ya know, weight training. Apparently they also have a salon, and some tanning something or another, and a hella-good group of fresh faced young women to greet you when you walk through the door. And more Pilates and a really nice locker room and...ah, strength training! Yes, do some, ya know, mixed in with your cardio and power-pilates-yoga-mat-sculpt-fusion. I did find something referencing squats buried in there, although it was right next to a recommendation for bicep curls and right after some sort of HIIT cardio thing.

Somebody shoot me. Please.

[Frankie]

sorry i cant obama outlawed all my guns

[PaulBeech]

Fuck all that. Its a crying shame people buy into it left right and center though.

I have a client who after having an accident fell in with a trainer who wanted to 'activate' her muscles etc... After three months she told him he had wasted her time and went in search of someone who would let her squat and deadlift again.

[devnull]

This is what I find interesting. In this modern world where there is a lot of hatred towards men for their role in female oppression yada-yada-yada, where it is not PC to be a man anymore, a lot of folks that otherwise would object don't mind paying for what amounts to a father figure to take them by the hand and push them to exercise.

[synchronicity]

They have a page where they list all their classes. There are SIX Pilates classes, with descriptions like: "You will learn the traditional system of sequencing floor work. Pilates teaches you to initiate movement from your “Power House,” a term used for the musculature in the lower abdominals, low back, glutes and inner thigh. The result? A longer, stronger, more balanced body!" Or, take riding an effing stationary bike. They describe that as "An indoor cycling workout that takes you on a physically- and mentally-focused journey. Some Ride classes have specific workout profiles such as: Interval, Hill Climb, Endurance and Recovery."

"Focused journey?!" Where I come from, that's called "getting on a stationary bike and pressing one of those stupid buttons on the console."

Now, contrast that with this ONE class: "Lift: Strength & Conditioning class using barbells and & dumbbells. All levels welcome"

Woo-hoo, they sure make that sound exciting, don't they? You can tell where the marketing people don't want you to go.

[ecj]

This stuff is fucking incredible. I'm most mystified by the idea of "activating" muscles. How does one even walk if the muscles in their posterior chain are "sleeping" or whatever? Bizarre.