I'm eating healthy, so why do I feel so miserable?

[BarbEricScotaku]

This is everything I've eaten over the past month. Well, aside from a handful of unlisted cheat meals, and yesterday eating one deep fried jumbo coconut shrimp because it was offered and for once I was too weak to resist -- and felt a huge bubbling of desire in my guts reminding me that yes, I have a junk food addiction and I need to remember that moderation is not an option just like one beer for an alcoholic is too much.

Had a rocky start of not counting calories like I did from early 2012 to middle 2013 where I lost 180 lbs but stopped after plateauing at around 240 lbs (been between 260 to 290 ever since by not calorie-counting) but after calculating my TDEE like everyone always says to do and trying to eat about 500 kcal below that like everyone says to do... (Went from 279 to 268, but pre-Thanksgiving I was as low as 264.)

The previous month (October) I was depressed from hurting my back lifting weights so I, well, ate mostly what you see here, but also ate at cheap chinese buffets probably twice weekly and every night I had probably 3000-5000 calories of walmart ice cream. I felt so much better.

But after eating clean and healthy and natural and unprocessed like everyone says to do, I've felt progressively worse. Had problems early on from dizziness and lightheadedness and near-fainting spells but I just upped the calories and felt better, but for the past week I haven't been able to sleep more than 5 hours a night. For an entire week. I'm so tired it hurts. But I can't stay asleep for the life of me. I've tried not using electronics for an hour before bed, I've tried aromatherapy, I've tried meditation, I've tried not thinking of things that piss me off, I've even tried 100mg melatonin one night and that just made me feel worse, and none of it helps at all.

Since I'm recovering from injury I've only lifted light for most of this month (only just got my bench back above 100), but I've stopped entirely the middle of last week because I've been in too much mental and emotional pain from simple & stupid lack of sleep, from last Monday night sleeping 6 hours, Tuesday 5, Wed and Thu no more than 1-2 hours, then another 4-5 the next few nights. I'm constantly tired, I'm constantly on edg.,My therapist has a depression rating, where 1 is "Bobby made fun of my hair this morning, boo-hoo" and 10 being "in immediate danger of killing himself and/or others", mine right now is an 8 and rising, again all from lack of sleep, and I'm pretty sure it's my diet. What else could it be? Well, other than stress and worry from lack of money and pretty sure I'll never be fit and strong and aesthetic because of all the stretch marks and loose skin and blotchy complexion and terrified that if I don't eat clean and healthy I'll fall right back into my old >400 lbs hikikomori NEET ubernerd ways ways like I was not even last month after doing so well off and on this entire year of starting and stopping the weightlifting due to mounting stress and hurting myself. Lifting had been the first time in my life I had a passion for something that wasn't childish and solitary like video games, and now I can't even get to the one thing that kept me going because of this lack of sleep.

I'm not an attention whore.
I'm not a drama queen.
I'm not a troll.
I'm not baiting.
I'm not joking.

I feel so absolutely crappy that I just want to die to end the pain. But I'm so scared that if I follow the nagging voice inside that says all I need to do is indulge in my junk food addiction, my soda-n-fastfood-o-holism, that it will all be better, that if I fall off the horse for the severalth time for the past three years, that I'll end up weighing as much as a horse that I was for almost 20 years...

Re-iterating: I've lost MULTIPLE DECADES to morbid obesity and being a socially dysfunctional shut-in whose one and only friend is a glowing rectangle, and everyone says to be "gradual" in your changes. Well I've beengradual, for the past three years I've been goddamned gradual, how many MORE years must I lose to morbid obesity so I can for once in my life stop feeling so ugly and worthless?

I'm doing everything everyone says to do, following the /fit/ sticky and bodybuilding.com's stickies and taking bits from the paleo diet and what Scooby Werkstatt and Jim Wendler and sites like this all have to say about eating clean and healthy, so what is missing? What am I doing wrong? I'm using a multivitamin and fish oil and vitamin d and etc. etc. supplements, I'm eating tons of vegetables on top of tons of meat, I'm trying to restrict carbs and dial in my macronutrient ratios like everyone says you should do if you're trying to lose weight without losing too much muscle mass like I was stupidly doing for the first year and a half of crash dieting with zero exercise when I should have known better.

What is it? What's missing? What am I doing wrong? Someone please help me end my misery, I'm begging you.

[BarbEricScotaku]

That was a dead serious cry for help. Fuck you guys, then. Get cancer.

[Jordan Feigenbaum]

I'm doing everything everyone says to do, following the /fit/ sticky and bodybuilding.com's stickies and taking bits from the paleo diet and what Scooby Werkstatt and Jim Wendler and sites like this all have to say about eating clean and healthy, so what is missing?

No you're not, actually. You are sleeping very poorly, your diet looks okay besides being unpalatable to me, and you're not training. That sounds like a recipe to feel awful if I ever heard- psychological issues notwithstanding.

What am I doing wrong? I'm using a multivitamin and fish oil and vitamin d and etc. etc. supplements, I'm eating tons of vegetables on top of tons of meat, I'm trying to restrict carbs and dial in my macronutrient ratios like everyone says you should do if you're trying to lose weight without losing too much muscle mass like I was stupidly doing for the first year and a half of crash dieting with zero exercise when I should have known better.

And you admit you've only really been doing this for a few weeks (at best) before the binge eating in October. Longevity and consistency is key here.

But
What is it? What's missing? What am I doing wrong? Someone please help me end my misery, I'm begging you.

Look man, times are tough. You're going to have to to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take one day at a time, doing the right thing, working towards the life you want. Consistently eating well, training, sleeping like an adult, and nurturing interpersonal relationships are what you should focus on, but only one day at a time. Also, staying off forums like Reddit and bb.com may help.

[Jordan Feigenbaum]

That was a dead serious cry for help. Fuck you guys, then. Get cancer.

Oh, well sorry for your inconvenience. Cluster B, anyone?

[crookedfinger]

I feel so absolutely crappy that I just want to die to end the pain. But I'm so scared that if I follow the nagging voice inside that says all I need to do is indulge in my junk food addiction, my soda-n-fastfood-o-holism, that it will all be better, that if I fall off the horse for the severalth time for the past three years, that I'll end up weighing as much as a horse that I was for almost 20 years...

Re-iterating: I've lost MULTIPLE DECADES to morbid obesity and being a socially dysfunctional shut-in whose one and only friend is a glowing rectangle, and everyone says to be "gradual" in your changes. Well I've beengradual, for the past three years I've been goddamned gradual, how many MORE years must I lose to morbid obesity so I can for once in my life stop feeling so ugly and worthless?

I am going to be brutally honest. No One, NO ONE, gets to be over 400 pounds without serious psychological issues. Priority number 1, you need to find a behavioral psychologist and begin some form of Rational Behavioral Therapy and begin addressing the issues that caused you to get to the weight you were at, and those very same issues that are causing your current depression. You may try to counter that it is situationally induced. It is not. Your coping skills are compromised, your biochemistry is fucked up and you need significant and continual therapy to deal with this. I imagine once you begin therapy, the topic of meds will be broached.

Now to the physical element. It took you decades to get to this point, you spent years of consistently fucking your body up. Shoving food down your throat in an effort to numb the darkness. Sitting, sleeping, avoiding your demons while hibernating in denial. It is going to take years consistently working to better yourself. You will have good weeks, you will have bad weeks. You have to get to a point where you are not so emotionally driven that you self-sabotage based on mood. You need to train regardless of how you feel. When you fuck up your food choices, you need to stop feeling guilty about it, stop beating yourself up about it, stop using the fuck up to further justify the downward spiral.

Training will help with the mood disorder. Diet will help with the mood disorder. Sleep will help with the mood disorder. But none of these are a replacement for finding a good therapist and committing to facing your demons.

Everything is a choice, whether you realize it or not. Start approaching everything in your life as if it is a decision and DECIDE how you will proceed. Own the decision, and the consequences of that decision.

Good luck.

[Barry Charles]

Not sure if this will be helpful but here it is anyway.

One of the great things about the starting strength model is the PR's. In fact, by definition, ever day is PR day. Furthermore, when you tap out and can no longer make PR's, you're really which is not a bad deal at all.

Dude, PR's are your salvation! PR's don't lie. PR's are not subtle. They are not subject to interpretation on a scale of one to 10. They stand on their own. Ironically no one gives a sit about your PRs but for you, they are the strongest medicine on earth.

There are few things in this world that compare to PR's. Closing a big deal, getting laid, a great intellectual breakthrough.

My advice is to focus exclusively on PR's. Everything else will follow in time. Get addicted. If you don't like starting strength, do 5-3-1, or whatever, just commit to something more or better or faster every single time.

Remember the hardest thing about getting up in the morning is your feet touching the floor and the hardest thing about lifting is stepping into the gym.

[8odin8]

It's ok. Everyone feels sorry for you. Because you're a pussy. I'm usually not an asshole and usually don't care enough to respond to stupid threads, but I can't help myself. Get over yourself and start acting like an adult. If you look around you, you'll see people have problems much bigger than your gut. Sorry, Jordan.

[vanslix]

I think it would behoove you to see a therapist trained in CBT to explore your relationship with food. Seriously.

And telling someone to get cancer......you're a dick. That part probably isn't treatable.

Cluster fucking B, indeed.

[I_iz_a_fatass]

[1] Get the hell off 4chan. Spending any time on that Iraqi bomb crater fetish picture board isn't good for your mental state. Seriously.
[2] Your sleep is shit, and until you deal with that everything else will be harder. Practice good sleep hygiene to start with.
[3] Stop being an impatient dick.
[4] Do your best to push the idea of loose skin, stretch marks, and all the other wages of the sins of morbid obesity out of your head. Until you have to actually deal with any of them, they're not an issue.
[5] Get on My Fitness Pal and track your shit.

[sbhikes]

BarbEric,
I am not any kind of expert, but a while back I was modererately heavier than I am now and I also ate a lot of carby, snacky foods. I cut them all out and went low carb and I felt like crap for a whole month. By the 5th week I actually thought I was going to die and was thinking I should go to the hospital. But then I read that I should probably consume more sodium and some cal-mag. So I tried that and felt a lot better. By the 6th week I was feeling good.

Your diet isn't nearly as low carb as mine was but perhaps it is just as extreme to your system as mine was to mine. Perhaps you are suffering low carb flu or maybe it's just going to take some time to get used to not drinking a 6-pack of pepsi every day or whatever you used to do.

As for the psychological portion, you could look into Overeaters Anonymous or Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA for short). Having someone you can call on the phone who understands and won't judge you or call you a pussy can be helpful.