Originally Posted by
Browndog
I'm back...
I took a new device on the road, and couldn't remember my passwords, hence the radio silence. Well that, and I'm still trying to come to grips with my performance (or lack thereof) Tuesday afternoon.
The forensics:
Squat -
1st attempt the head judge wouldn't give me a start command due to my left knee "not being locked out". We actually had a conversation while I had the bar on my back, about the fact that that my knee was as far back as it would go. I had to soften the knees and then re-lock them to prove the point...with the bar on my back.
Two reds!
2nd attempt As I was a little shaken by the experience of the first, we kept the weight the same - had to get in the meet!
2-1 good lift.
3rd attempt was a paltry 135kg and it was all I could do that day...maybe 5 kg more, but that was it.
2:1 good lift
Bench:
1st attempt at 90kg was another snafu with the judges. The head judge was ready, the sides were still getting seated as I un-racked the bar. So I was held up from starting (with the damn bar in my hands) until the sides were "ready".
I got the lift, but I didn't feel good about it.
2nd attempt was a small jump and I just got it
3rd Attempt was 95kg, and for the life of me I don't know what I was doing...pinned!
PINNED AT 95KG! Much disappointment...
Deadlift:
1st attempt was delayed. They wanted both platforms to go off at the same time. We waited 10 minutes, and add to that the time between my last warm-up (another 7 minutes), I was "cold". walking out to the bar.
The lift was good, but not comfortable.
2nd attempt went to 195kg, and my back got a little cranky at mid point.
Good lift, but I was concerned.
3rd attempt was perhaps the 2nd worst experience of my sporting life ( I won't go into the first). I was in a dog fight for third, and I knew it. I had to hit 205kg to win on body weight. I walked out to the bar, and every emotion of the last 18 months of my shit show of a life hit me right in the "feels". I was in tears as I grabbed the bar.
Needless to say, there was no lift.
I was, and am disappointed in my performance.
I know enough to realize that my performance was effected by my back and knee issues over the last 9 months. For as good as my training was going into Chicago, it was equally as poor going into Daytona. But I knew that, and I was at peace with the fact that my numbers wouldn't be PR attempts (except for Bench).
What I wasn't ready for was the emotional component of the day. I visualized everything about the day: how the room would look, what the bar would look like loaded, how the bar would feel in my hands, what each lift would feel like (though I will say that I couldn't visualize my 3rd attempts as a successful lift).
What I didn't factor in was how much I've invested in being a "lifter" (remember that line in "Officer and a Gentleman" where Mayo screams out: "I've got nowhere else to go"). Well Cancer, the dissolution of a 45 year marriage, and my body seemingly betraying me in ways I didn't know were possible flooded my mind. These demons all came out on that 3rd lift.
It's still shocking to re-live that moment. Fortunately my coach, and assistant coach were wonderful in the moment: caring and compassionate.
Wonderfully, my teammates (both in Daytona and back in Buffalo ) were as supportive. I'm blessed to have such a group supporting me throughout these past 18 months.
So, that's the raw, unvarnished truth of the day. My coach and I will sit down and put together a plan to re-build my lifts and confidence when he gets back from Daytona. I love to lift, I'd like to keep competing, and I won't walk away from a community that's been so supportive of me.
So what's that line from the song in "Oklahoma"...pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.
Well that's me. Let's do this!