Jokes.

[joosejpr]

GOMAD

[Oldster]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

[Oldster]

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open."

[Oldster]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor dear was several sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her eccentric behavior, and some of them even joined in the fun.

One day Ethel was speeding along one of the corridors when a man stepped out of one of the doorways with his arm outstretched: "Stop!" he said firmly. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which she handed to him with a big smile. "OK," he said, and off she went again.

Taking the corner by the TV lounge on one wheel as usual, she found another man standing in the corridor in front of her. "Stop!" he said firmly, "Have you got a valid registration for that vehicle, madam?" Ethel dug into her handbag again and came up with a well-used beermat, which she presented for inspection. Whereupon she was sent on her way once more.

Heading down the last corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. He was stark naked, and holding a sizable erection in one hand. "Oh, no," cried Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

[Marlin]

So, these two rich Jews are down in Mexico enjoying themselves in Cancun.
One of the Jews says to the other "you know, our people are spread all over the world, I wonder if they have any Mexican Jews?"
The other Jew says "yes, you are right there must be Mexican Jews. Here comes the waiter, lets ask him."

The waiter makes his way over to the table and the first Jew ask him, excuse me, do you have any Mexican Jews? The waiter gets sort of a perplexed look on his face and says, I've really never heard of any Mexican Jews. The Jew says, well that can't be right, I'm just sure you have Mexican Jews. The waiter tells him, again I've never heard of Mexican Jews, but I'll go ask the cook. Maybe he knows.
After a while, the waiter comes back and says, No, we have no Mexican Jews. At this, the Jew gets a little huffy and tells the waiter, well, I just find that very hard to believe. You just have to have Mexican Jews!

The waiter says, Look senior, I asked the cook, I asked the busboy, I asked the manager and I asked the bartender. We have no Mexican Jews!

But we do have Apple jews, grape jews, orange jews, and lemon jews.