Joke Thread: Had my physical today...

[Dave_G]

Had my yearly physical today. The doctor actually told me to stop masturbating. Of course I asked him why. His reply was "Because I'm trying to give you an examination!"

[Joe Murphy]

Mr Murphy, do you mind if I check your prostate? "Hell, Doc, I've been looking forward to it all year!

[MattJ.D.]

What's black, white, and read all over...

a num in a blender

what do you call a nun in a blender?...a twisted sister

A man walked into a doctors waiting room and saw a nun sitting there crying her eyes out, obviously very upset. When he went into the doctor he asked the good physician why the nun was crying so much. the doctor replied, "I told her she was pregnant." "Good grief," said the guy, "How can that be, since she is a nun?" "She isn't really," said the good doctor, "but it cured her hiccups."

The year's new intake of novices were getting their initial medical inspection from the convent doctor when he noticed something different about one of the older girls. The kindly old practitioner went immediately to the mother superior and informed her, "Mother Superior, you have amongst the new girls one with an incredibly rare deformity: she has been blessed with two fannies." "Good gracious," exclaimed the Mother Superior, "will she be able to lead a normal life?" "Of course," the good doctor replied, "especially as she is to be a nun, no one will ever notice. However, I should like it very much if you would allow me to consult with my professional colleagues and ask them to come and look at her." "Of course you may", said the Mother Superior and off he went. Three weeks later the convent medic returned with his professional colleagues and asked to see the affected nun. "I'm afraid you can't", said the mother superior, "We had to get rid of her". "Why?" asked the old doctor. "We couldn't stand her holier-than-thou attitude," was the reply.

Two nuns riding bicycles down a cobbled street, and one turns to the other and says "Do you know, I've never come this way before."

...At last the hill was too steep and the poor nuns had to get off their bicycles and walk. As they passed a dark passageway two yobbos jumped out, dragged them into the passage and started to rape them. "Lord forgive them for they know not what they do", said one "Sshhhhhh", said the other, "this one does."

...After they have been raped by the two yobbos the two nuns continue to the top of the hill to the convent. One turns to the other and says, "What will we tell the mother superior about being raped twice?" The other replies "But we were only raped once." The first says "We're coming back this way, aren't we?"

...So the poor nuns, raped and exhausted, confess to the Mother Superior the things that had happened on the way, and she says, "Go away and each suck half a lemon". "Will that absolve us from our sin?" asked one of the nuns. "No," said the Mother Superior, "but it will wipe that silly grin off your faces."

...So after the two nuns have sucked their lemons they return to the Mother Superior for the second part of their pennance. "Now you must go and wash your fannies in the holy water", says the Mother Superior, "And your sins will be finally absolved." So off they go to the font in the cathedral, and after looking around to check no one is about, they are just about to clap the holy sponges over their pussies when another nun comes rushing up and says, "Wait wait, I've got to gargle in that first."

...Later that night all the nuns are lying in the dormitory when the Mother Superior calls up the stairs, "All right girls, it's ten o'clock! Bibles away and candles out." Then there comes the sound, 'pop' 'pop' 'pop'.

...And thats one of the reasons why nuns go around in pairs, so that one nun sees that the other nun gets nun.

...But the Mother Superior was not heartless. She knew her younger nuns and said, "I have no objection to you getting a little bit from the monks across the way, but don't get into the habit."

...Nine months later the one nun gave birth to a baby without anybody knowing about it. She was in two minds as to whether she should tell the Mother Superior about it. She eventually decided to tell her, so she took the baby and went to the Mother S's room. Arriving there, she found the Mother sound asleep with her legs astride. Seeing a solution to her problem, she carefully placed the baby between the Mother's legs and left. The next morning the mother woke up and found the baby there and exclaimed, "Fuck, you can't even trust the altar candles these days."

...A few months later the same nun went to the head monk to complain.
"Father I came walking through the park today when a bastard grabbed me and kissed me."
"Like this, my child?" the monk asked and grabbed her and kissed her. "Yes, Father."
"But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child." "Yes, Father, but then he threw me on the grass." "Like this, my child?" the monk asked and threw her down on the couch. "Yes, Father."
"But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child." "Yes, Father, but then he undressed me." "Like this, my child?" the monk asked and took her clothes off. "Yes, Father."
"But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child." "Yes, Father, but then he raped me"
"Like this, my child?" the monk asked and started screwing her. "Yes, Father."
"But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child." "Yes, Father, but he gave me VD."
"Such a bastard!" he exclaimed, pulling his schlong out in a great rush.

Mother Superior to nuns riding bicycle in the courtyard: "OK, girls, back on with the saddles."

A novice nun in the convent was asked to hold the fort whilst the Mother Superior is away and is given special instructions to look after an ailing old monk who is spending his last days there. On her return the Mother Superior asked "How is the old monk?" The novice said that on the first day soon after she had taken in his food she had seen a large lump under his habit and asked what it was. He had replied that it was the key to heaven and that she had the keyhole. He had unlocked the door to heaven several times since then. "The old bastard" replied the Mother Superior, "he told me it was Gabriel's horn."

Novice in convent garden is frightening pigeons from newly planted seeds by waving her hands and shouting, "Fuck off!" to the birds. Mother Superior is aghast and runs quickly to the little nun. "Sshhhhhh," says the Mother Superior, "that's not the way to do it. You must just say 'shoo shoo' and they'll fuck off by themselves."

A priest was confronted by a prostitute. "Do you want a quickie for five rand?". Not knowing what it was, he said no. A few minutes another prostitute also offered him a quickie for five rand. Again he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him, and he went to a nun. "What," he asked, "is a quickie?" "Five rand, same as in town," the nun answered.

The little novice was only eleven years old and was troubled by the tiny swellings on her chest, thinking this was some penance that God was making her suffer for some unremembered sin. So she went hesitantly to the Mother Superior's office and knocked on the door. "Come in," said the Mother Superior. "What is troubling you, my child?" "Well", said the little nun, and explained the fears she had about these "bumps" on her chest. "How old are you?" said the Mother Superior. "Eleven going on twelve", said the novice. "Well then," was the kind reply, "at about your age all girls start to get them. Eventually they develop into the same as I have more or less, so to speak. So worry not and go in peace." Much relieved, the little nun returned to her cell. About fourteen months later she was in her bath and noticed little dark hairs that itched were growing around her pussy. Worried again that this was punishment for some terrible sin, she returned to the Mother Superior's office and knocked again. "Come in", replied a deep voice from inside and she hesitantly went inside. The father abbot from across the road stood there. "Yes, my child?" asked the kindly old man. The little girl explained about her pussy, being innocent and therefore unafraid to talk to the abbot. "How old are you?" asked the gentle old monk, and she replied, "Thirteen." "Well," said the abbot, "at about your age all people start to grow hair round there. It's nothing to worry about." "How do I know that's true?" she asked. "The Mother Superior showed me her bust when I explained that my breasts were growing, but I cannot see your hair as it does not show under clothes." "Let me reassure you," he said and opened his habit to do just that. The little girl's eyes grew bigger and bigger as she stared at his great big schlong hanging there, and at last she said, "Good Lord, and when do I get one of those between my legs?" "Just as soon as I shut that fucking door," he replied.

[Jacobnorton]

A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours the shots and the man downs them all. The bartender asks the man what he's celebrating. "My first blowjob", says the man. "Alright! Let me buy you another shot!", said the bartender. "No thanks. If the first 6 didn't wash the taste of cock out of my mouth, nothing will."

[Mark Rippetoe]

You just now heard that, Jake? I fell off my dinosaur the first time.

[JM3]

All this just makes me wonder how our friend oldster is doin.

[Mark Rippetoe]

I hope he's typing a post.

[cutlet#]

Girl walks into a bar and proclaims "I made 200 dollars and 25 cents giving blowjobs tonight!" Someone asks "Who only had to pay 25 cents?" "All of them," she replies.

[Dan Miller]

Two parents took their curious little boy to the circus. When he saw the elephant, he asked his mother "what's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?" The mother said that it was the elephant's trunk. The boy said "No, not that. The thing between it's legs." The flustered mother replied "Oh that's nothing." The boy, not satisfied with the answer, asked his father. "Dad, what's that thing hanging down between the elephant's legs? Mom said it was nothing." The Dad replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

[Dave_G]

Guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat. Bartender asks him what he's drinking. Guy says "I'll have a beer, and please send a drink to that blonde douchebag sitting on the end." The bartended replies, "Do NOT refer to my customers in that way again, or you're out of here." The guy apologizes. The bartender then tells the blonde that the guy wants to buy her a drink and asks her what she'd like. She said - "I'll have a vinegar and water."

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Sheriff spots a 3-legged dog from across the bar. He walks up the dog and says - "I thought I told you to get out of town!" The dog answers and says - "And I told you I ain't leavin town 'til I find out who shot my paw."