A few questions after five weeks on the linear progression.

First,
My pants are all breaking around the ass and thighs. There should be a full legal disclaimer in bold lettering on the interstitial of the fourth edition. ”Old pants will break - purchase of new will be needed.” Seriously, pants are expensive and terribly boring to buy.

Second,
When I go to the gym I am now afraid. When standing in front of the loaded squat bar I get angry. When I’m done I just smile and feel like giving the weights a hug and a kiss. Now, is that really safe? To kiss the plates? Is that allowed?

Third,
Once my third fahve is done I rack it all and step back. When trying to walk away I instead have to fold over, leaning with my arms on my knees. I manage to flip the lever on the belt open. I shiver while sitting down on the bench along the wall. My head is almost between my legs and I try but fail to open my eyes. I get sucked into a drinking straw close to the speed of light. The walls are now spiraling fields of black and white blocks. With each rapid beat of the heart the black and white interchange back and forth. When forcing myself to take a deep breath I now get blown back out of the straw. I tumble between the checkered throbbing spirals. I open my eyes and look at my pink hands covered in magnesia. I remember my college roommate talking about the guys who took special chanterelles on their PBJ:s and went to the airport to watch the planes take off. Now I know what he was talking about. We should keep this a secret lest the DEA will raid gyms for bars.

Fouth,
As I recover from the squat session I walk away to the bench area. My ass has now turned into two bulky ballons. I see my reflection in the mirror across the field of useless machines and I notice that my traps now have striations. I am steadily transforming into Gregor Samsa.

Fifth,
Where should I turn to for complaints about odd elbow pain when squatting?

Greetings from Sweden
Marcus

male46y
6’1’’
206lb

Current LP level
SQ 341lb
DL 363lb (earlier pb 440x1)



P.S.
This is getting worse than golf:
belt, knee sleeves, wrist wraps, magnesia, micro plates, baby powder, smelling salt, thumb tape, deadlift socks, deadlift slippers, Mark Bell slanger, lifting shoes, a7 grip shirt, singlet, lock-jaws…
D.S.